Early May 2017
Sean & Kelly mutually Super Like each other on Tinder. Many gifs are exchanged.
May 15, 2017
A first date at very noisy concert. Sean forgets his ID and Kelly is convinced he’s 19 and that his story about how he knows the opening act is fake (It was the Beverly Hills mansion party story, for those who have been subjected to it). Sean asks if he can kiss Kelly and she… emphatically says no. After the show, they hang out at a bar with the performers, who verify that Sean’s story is true and he is not a serial killer, just too positive and excitable. A second date is agreed to.
May - August 2017
Sean & Kelly go on some dates, but nothing serious. Everyone is acting like a normal person.
Normal, unbothered
September 2017
Note: Sean and Kelly love each other very much and especially love this part of their story, despite how it sounds.
“Normal” starts to become a relative term. Exhausted from work-related burnout, Sean goes on a long-planned, secret trip to Hawaii. He tells all of his friends, along with Kelly, that he will be off the grid for a week to parts unknown. Kelly is unaware that Sean loathes all forms of commemorative photography, texting, or human interaction while on vacation, Sean is unaware of Kelly’s reputation as a semi-professional photographer and fully-professional texter.
But he is about to learn.
On the day of his departure, Kelly realizes that Sean is not joking and that he is actually the kind of person who will turn their phone off - and she simply will not stand for such Luddite sentiments. Sean arrives in paradise, but quickly discovers that it is no shield from the fury of an extroverted blonde from Brooklyn. Determined to preserve his secret break from reality while taking cover from a blitzkrieg of texts demanding his destination, he panics and tells Kelly he is in… Greece. Yes, Greece. Why Greece? Because he has recently watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, in which Alexis Bledel finds love on the island of Santorini. Hawaii is an island, Santorini is an island, and Sean likes Alexis Bledel. Sean will spend many unnecessary hours memorizing locations from the Sisterhood movie and researching Greek vacation spots to support this claim.
As Kelly realizes how much she misses Sean, he goes on a typically stupid series of misadventures across Oahu. He gets lost in a jungle because he sees a bathtub in the woods and wants to see if there’s a sink, he fights a bird on a cliff, he gets trapped on an ocean rock during high tide, etc, etc. Par for his course. Of these mishaps, one will become key: while quietly eating at a North Shore restaurant named Ray’s one night, an event known as “The Australian Birthday Incident” occurs. The event - which includes multiple members of the restaurant staff, a book about unicorns, and a well-meaning group of fitness enthusiasts - will take place without Kelly’s knowledge, but become the turning point of her relationship with Sean.
October 2017
Kelly goes to Paris with her mom for a week. Sean sends this to Kelly:
And she decides he’s the one.
November 11 - 13, 2017
Kelly & Sean go on their first vacation together to attend a friend’s wedding in Atlanta. They realize they do not want to murder each other. The day after they return from the trip, Sean asks Kelly to be his girlfriend. Kelly says Sean looked like a Muppet when he was getting up the courage to ask.
Atlanta 2017. Two days before becoming an official couple / giving up on facial hair
December 2017
Sean meets Kelly’s friends and they don’t hate him. One of her friends, Michael Blackmore, tells Sean that Kelly’s dad’s name is Jim Mahogany and he believes him for 6 months. I’m so sorry, John.
January 10, 2018
Kelly & Sean go to a Rainforest Cafe in the mall and say I love you to each other, but not at the same time.
We didn’t say, “I love you,” at Rainforest Cafe. But wish we did.
January 19 -22, 2018
They go to Bermuda for Kelly’s birthday. The whole place is weird. They swim with dolphins, one of whom didn’t like Kelly and “danced too hard” at her. Over a romantic dinner, Sean finally confesses his trip to Hawaii, that he never went to Greece, and he just likes the Sisterhood movies. Kelly graciously forgives him, because she agrees that she would have texted too much. Sean promises to take her to Hawaii to make it up to her and she can text all she wants. He does not mention “The Australian Birthday Incident” at Ray’s. They get mad at a Bermudan steakhouse that charges $2 per bread roll and $17 for a single crabcake. They still have the receipt.
This f*%&ing dolphin
September 8 - 18, 2018
They go to Hawaii together and fixate on counting wild chickens (317 total chickens total). Kelly gets so mad while snorkeling for baby sea turtles that she throws up in the ocean. They both throw up in the ocean while cage diving with sharks. They meet wild goats on a hike and Kelly is terrified. They stay at the Turtle Bay Resort on the North Shore and fall madly in love with the place.
One night, Sean takes Kelly to the restaurant Ray’s, site of “The Australian Birthday Incident.” Haunted by the memories of his previous experiences there, he tells her he’s never been there before. Upon entering, he is immediately recognized and called out by the restaurant staff. They joyfully recount the Birthday Incident to Kelly while Sean silently stares out into space as if experiencing PTSD. Ray’s becomes their favorite restaurant without further incidents.
March 2019
Kelly quits her job at Think Coffee and begins a new career in social work. Everyone is excited! You’re a real girl!
Fall - Winter 2019
Sean tries to quit TV and begin a new career as an unpaid intern at Disney World. Sure, why not.
January - March 2020
Kelly finally gets an apartment all to herself in Brooklyn. She’s living the dream!
March 2020
Dream’s over, homeslice. Brooklyn is now a Covid-riddled plague pit. You have sciatica, weak lungs, and live with Sean and his mom in suburban NJ now. Do NOT take the Lenox pieces out of their boxes here.
The only surviving photo of Kelly’s time with her own apartment, which was really just her dog Bat’s apartment.
The Pandemic
Kelly & Sean play house together and find out they love it. Like so many other couples during Covid, many walks, puzzles, and bad cooking experiments ensue. The fire alarm is set off constantly. They vow never to eat mole sauce again after eating it for 7 days straight when everyone was scared to go to the grocery store and buy something else. They are very, very happy.
Pandemic-era home luaus could get wild
Puzzles?
Bat and Daisy, reporting for treats!
Still never stopped us from going to our beloved NJ malls
May 29, 2021
They buy a house together! And it’s… 2 blocks from where they already lived at Sean’s mom’s. Did you hear about how many rugs they bought when they first moved in? If not, you’re lucky. If so, thank you for staying friends with them.
Fall 2021 - Fall 2022
Their house’s water heater breaks during the coldest part of November. The following day, an actual attempted murder occurs in the house involving two plumbers respectively wielding a giant wrench and a welding torch. Kelly really gets into plants. Sean gets into being Mr. Fix-It and becomes a Home Depot acolyte. They foster a silly-looking bulldog-pitbull-alien mix that they name Maggie Moo the Space Cow. What a fun addition to the family, they think!
She is nightmare fuel.
Ladies? Yes.
Boys? No.
Thanksgiving 2022 - February 2023
After nearly 6 years of dating, pressure from the families quickly begins to build for a proposal. Little do they know, Sean had already decided to propose several months earlier, bought a ring, booked tickets back to Hawaii for the perfect romantic location, and… begun an extensive mental warfare campaign to convince Kelly that under no circumstances was any ring coming. Of course. This includes (but is not limited to): telling Kelly he is traveling to see college friends in Virginia so can ask Kelly’s parents for their permission; staging a fake argument with his best friend for “trying to put ideas in his head” after asking her to get Kelly’s opinions on ring designs; and, whenever marriage is mentioned, using excuses such as these, which were said out loud by an actual human being to their future fiance:
”I’m sorry, but I need to work on this murder scene before the screaming drives me insane.”
”We’re playing Magic the Gathering right now.”
”I’m too hungry to talk about this.”
”I need to concentrate on making these meatballs if you want them to be good.”
”I think your flowers are wilting.”
”I will literally eat a ring if anyone mentions it again.”
Early March 2023
At the end of a whirlwind month of decoy travel, they return to Hawaii and again fixate on counting wild chickens (355 chickens total). Kelly gets bruised by a sea turtle. They are caught in a downpour while hiking a volcanic crater and are offered drugs by a man hiding under a rock. They are having a great time.
During a torrential, downpour in Kīlauea Iki Crater, Kelly stops to confirm a plant isn’t fake.
Reviewing the wonders of nature
March 8, 2023
They arrive at Turtle Bay Resort. Sean abandons Kelly at the lobby bar while he checks them into their room. What was to be a 5 minute separation quickly extends to over an hour as Sean attempts to stem a tide of pre-emptive champagne and snacks from the overeager hotel staff. Kelly is propositioned by a drunk truck reseller during this time; luckily for Sean, she declines. As is now tradition, they eat dinner at Ray’s, the now-fabled site of “The Australian Birthday Incident.” For once, dinner passes without incident. After eating, they sit at Kelly’s favorite bench overlooking the ocean. Sean starts to propose, but is interrupted by a rogue golf cart. Kelly says yes anyway. They get engaged! And then they forget to take any pictures with the ring except this one:
Now
We’re getting married in Disney World!